written for spnquotefic
originally posted here
The thing about sleep is - your defenses come down. You're at your most vulnerable physically and mentally. The body and mind both take this period of rest to heal. To try to heal.
Sam's body hadn't slept when his soul was still in the Cage. He hadn't slept, because he hadn't needed to.
Now that Sam was whole again, he had to sleep. The first few months he slept a dreamless sleep. His mind felt like it shut down completely and when he woke up, it took him a few minutes to remember who and where he was, but he always remembered.
His dreams first started again in Bristol, Rhode Island. The more he remembered of his prior visit there while soulless, the more vivid his dreams became. He'd dream of what he'd remembered and it was far more unsettling. When he remembered, the memories came in flashes. Sam would remember killing without compassion, without mercy and he'd feel a heavy thrum of guilt deep in his gut. When he dreamt though...there was no guilt. He relived what he had done as he had done it. No remorse, no regret, just an incredibly freeing practicality.
Then he'd had a seizure and a flood of memories of the Cage. For all the memories his body had acquired in Bristol, he'd gotten the matching set of what his soul had undergone in the Cage during that time. So now his dreams became Hell-tinted. His guilt-free memories of being soulless were interwoven with sharp lances of pain, fire and the oppressive feeling of eternity.
Samuel hadn't told him any details before Sam shot him through the head. His words though- they replayed over and over in his head Just because you're Dr. Jekyll at the moment doesn't mean you can get all high and mighty. Don't forget we spent a year together. Trust me, what I did pales in comparison to what you did, and on more than one occasion. You still want to know about your summer vacation? I'll tell you all about it. You're dying to know, huh?
That was the problem though. Sam did know. He knew it all. Death's wall was just keeping him from remembering.
For a week, Sam heard Samuel's words echo in his head. This night when he slept he had the sensation of something behind him. He had fallen asleep facing Dean's bed, so he knew it wasn't that. It was like that feeling when you're nearly asleep and you can feel someone there who shouldn't be there and you keep telling yourself "don't look, don't look" but you can't fall asleep until you do. Sam knew he shouldn't, he knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself.
Sam turned and looked and he remembered everything.